Finding Me (Pack Bardot Book 2) Read online

  “My name is Lex. I’m from Pack Bardot.” I suck in a sharp breath, my eyes beginning to water.

  “Lex? Like Lex Luther?” I stupidly ask.

  “Huh?” Her head tilts to the side.

  “Exactly. You just went all she-wolf, asshole-hater. ‘Huh’ is about all I’ve got also.” We stare at each other, both of us trying to figure the other out.

  “Dax will be here any second. I only got here faster because you ran in circles and his wolf got confused for a bit. I give it like, 3....2....” Lex turns, a soft smile brightening her scary face. My eyes follow, a choked sob leaving me at the sight of a familiar white and grey wolf appearing in the dense tree line. My feet carry me forward, a half-run-half-stumble mix that isn’t getting me to him fast enough. Dax eats up the distance between us. I drop to my knees as we collide, burying my face against his fur. My sobs become hysterical, causing my wolf to whine and nuzzle my face. I blink and gone is the furry half of my mate. Now, a broken, entirely naked human Dax kneels before me. His hands frame my face as our eyes meet. The beautiful green orbs I love so much are dull and shadowed with pain. Dark circles sit below them, an outward sign of the torment he’s been living in. He looks like shit, but he’s still the best looking shit I’ve ever seen. Tears track down his cheeks, his lips trembling as he tries to speak.

  “Baby...oh, fuck.” His eyes move over me, his face stricken with horror. “Linny, what did they do to you?” Dax’s voice breaks, his hands hovering over me, unsure of what to try and fix first. I reach up and place my hand against his cheek.

  “It’s not my blood. I’m okay,” I whisper. Those words taste rotten, nauseating me beyond belief. “Take me home, please.” Dax pulls me against him, his entire body vibrating. Lex tosses him a pair of sweatpants that he quickly slides on. If it had been any other time, any other place, I probably would have stolen a peek. As it stands, my adrenaline is fading fast. The last hour is rapidly catching up with me and I need to get out of here. Just a little bit longer, and then you can fall apart. Dax scoops me up, resting me against his chest, zero regard for the blood I’m now smearing all over him as well. A few other wolves have made their way to us. Dax turns to them, his jaw clenched painfully.

  “Kill anyone who gets in your way.” With those parting words, he begins moving in the direction he came from. How he can tell his ass from a hole in the ground out here beats me, but I don’t question it. I just want to listen to the sound of his heart beating, a reminder that he’s here. That he’s real.

  “Someone is meeting us a little ways out with a car, near the closest road. I can’t carry you back the way we came, it’d take too long and I want you as far away from here as fast as possible.” I don’t respond, instead I turn my face further into him, inhaling his scent, mint and spice, and let it soothe me.

  “I’m so fucking sorry, baby. God, am I sorry.” Dax pulls me closer, his arms trembling. Sometime later we finally break through the edge of the trees. A truck sits idling and Dax wastes no time getting us both situated in the back seat. A cold numbness has settled over me and all I can really do is allow him to move me around as he pleases. I’m not sure if it’s from the icy water I was doused in or if I’m finally starting to process everything that’s transpired. I’ve just been operating on do or die, not giving myself a second to think about anything. I’m sure once I’m alone with my thoughts, left to live with what I had to do, it’s gonna hit hard.

  The entire drive passes in a blur, Dax holding me close the entire way. His hand strokes over my head, pushing back my matted and gross hair. I’m sure I look like utter shit; I just don’t have it in me to care. Dax presses a gentle kiss to my forehead that nearly makes me fall apart.

  “We’re here, baby.” My eyes flutter open, vaguely registering that we’re at Beatrix and Carder’s. I take my first full breath since escaping at the sight of their familiar home. Once again, I’m cradled against Dax as he walks us up the front steps. I doubt I could walk even he’d let me. The front door is pushed open just as we reach it, Beatrix standing there with tears in her eyes as she takes in the sight of us. The moment we step over the threshold, Mom is there.

  “Indy?” she gasps, her eyes widening as she looks me over. I can only imagine how bad I look from her point of view.

  “It’s not hers.” Dax quickly interjects before she can lose her shit.

  “Mom...” My hand instinctively reaches out and latches with hers. I hate how timid my voice sounds. We thought this kind of hurt was over. I know we’re both thinking it. Mom’s hand brushes over my cheek, her eyes holding apologies she isn’t responsible for. I want to curl up in her lap, take comfort in the person who’s always been my one constant, but I need a moment to pull myself together. Maybe several hundred moments.

  “Grace, I need to get her cleaned up,” Dax says, as if sensing my thoughts. Mom reluctantly pulls away, giving him the slightest nod, and we move towards the hall bath. Dax gently closes the door behind us and flicks the lock. With so much care, he places me on the edge of the counter. We just stare at one another, each of us needing to say so much but neither of us can seem to find the right words to make any of this okay. I’m scared it’ll never be okay again. Those green eyes glisten, his throat working hard to hold back the emotion that’s clogging it. My head falls forward, resting against his chest, my hands coming up to clench his shirt. I desperately need something to ground me, cause right now, I feel like I might just float away.

  “Arms up, Linny.” Dax slowly lifts the blood-stained shirt off of me. The one he chose from the boutique. I’ll never forget how happy I’d been when I saw it, but now I’d like nothing more than to burn it. Erase all the awful that it harbors. I don’t hesitate as Dax slowly begins to strip me of my clothes. There’s nothing sexual about it. Each piece that falls away makes me feel a little lighter, like I’ve lost the memory of the horrors they hold. I know that isn’t the case. This kind of damage invades your entire being, twining itself into your DNA. That therapist I planned to one day hire is gonna end up needing some therapy herself. Once I’m naked as the day I was born, I slip off the counter, my legs a bit unsteady. I turn slightly, catching my reflection in the mirror. My heart stops.

  I look nothing like me. I don’t know this girl, with the haunted eyes and frail frame. I’ve lost weight, my ribs peeking through. The worst, though, is the crimson blood that stains my skin. There are streaks across my face, my arms. Every place I look is dotted with the reminder of what I’ve done. I start to claw at my arms, something fundamentally breaking inside of me with knowing that I literally have someone else’s blood on my hands.

  “Get it off. Get it off. Get it off,” I wail.

  “Shit.” Dax curses, quickly turning on the shower. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you.” He strips down, carefully pulling me under the water with him. My tears mix with the red tinted water as Dax washes my body. By the time it runs clearly, my hair has also been scrubbed clean. My knees give out, and I crumble to floor. Dax pulls me into his lap, letting me cry. I’m sure the whole house can hear the breakdown I’m having.

  “Shh. It’s over. You’re okay,” he whispers, placing a kiss against my temple.

  “I killed him. I killed Christian, Dax.” Saying it out loud makes it so real. Until now, I could pretend I didn’t vividly remember what it felt like to force a jagged piece of glass through someone else’s skin. I lift my hand, taking note of the cut running along my palm from where I had held it so tightly. It’ll scar, forever reminding of what I did.

  “Look at me, baby,” Dax frames my face with his hands, forcing my eyes to his. “It was you or him, Linny. You’ve gotta know that there wasn’t a happy ending, no matter which way things went. I’m so fucking glad it was you left standing, and not that piece of shit. Christian wouldn’t have thought twice about ending your life if it came down to it. You don’t get to feel remorse for sending that asshole straight to hell.” He speaks so vehemently that I almost believe what he’s saying. But n
o matter which way I spin it, I still ended someone’s life. I’ll always wonder if he could’ve been saved. If maybe, deep down, there was a sliver of humanity left in him. Doubtful, but now we’ll never know. And Minnie, I can’t even bring myself to tell Dax about her. Guilt is suffocating me. If I had just given in, said those words Christian wanted to hear, she’d likely still be alive. I’m sure I’d already be knocked up with a Pack Ames baby, but maybe then I’d be able to live with myself. Would that price have been worth Minnie’s life? They’re all gonna hate me when they find out.

  I can feel the shutters drawing down, closing me off. I push away from Dax, so disgusted with myself, even I don’t want to be in my own presence. I watch his face fall, hurt and rejection contorting his handsome features. I use the shower door to help pull myself up, swatting away his hand when he tries to help. I just want to be alone, too ashamed of the secrets I’m hiding to face anyone else right now. Stepping out, I wrap a towel around myself, avoiding the mirror at all cost. Opening the door, I glance back at the man who looks seconds from falling apart.

  “Where were you, Dax?” I barely whisper the words, but he hears them. His eyes clench shut, and he has to grab the counter for support. Absolute anguish ripples through him. I know I’m not being fair, but I needed him and he wasn’t there. He promised he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. And right now, I need to blame someone else for all the fucked up shit that’s happened. I leave him there, heading for his room. I’ve never been inside it, but I know which door is his. The moment I push it open, his scent assaults me. It’s everywhere. It makes me want to run back to him, to tell him I’m sorry, that I know he isn’t to blame but I’m too screwed up to be rational at the moment. Instead, I drop the towel and pull out a plain white t-shirt and a pair of light blue boxers from the top drawer of his dresser. I slip them on and climb into bed, letting the smell of him comfort me since I don’t feel worthy of allowing the real Dax to.

  Chapter 8

  Daxton

  I sit on the bathroom floor for so long, the water dripping off of me eventually dries without even needing a towel. Linny’s words echo through my mind, cracking the fragile hold I have on my sanity. Guilt is already eating me alive, but knowing she blames me as well, that’s a special kind of hell to live in. Seeing her, standing in between the trees, drenched in blood, will be an image I won’t soon forget. Her tiny, perfect body looked like it was going to give out at any second. Still, she moved towards me, just like I did her. Magnets, pulling each other together. My wolf knew the blood wasn’t hers, at least most of it, but my brain had short circuited. Seeing her like that, I thought my worst fears had come to fruition. I didn’t know what state she’d be in, but even though I thought I prepared myself for it, I wasn’t ready to see her looking so broken.

  The scent of her clings to my skin. I want nothing more than to go find her, wrap my arms around her and never let go. But I have a feeling that wouldn’t go over well. She’s hurting, blaming herself for something she isn’t at fault for. Fuck, at least her blame at me is warranted. I’ll take all of it, shoulder the guilt if it means she unburdens herself.

  “Dax?” Ma’s muffled voice comes from the other side of the door. I drape a towel over my junk before responding, knowing she’s not likely to stay away.

  “Yeah?” My head tilts back against the wall, willing the tears to stay put. The door creaks open, Ma cautiously peering in.

  “Oh, my sweet boy.” She closes the door behind her. “Talk to me, Dax.” She crouches before me, her worried eyes assessing me. I finally look at her, letting everything I’ve been trying to hold in break free. The tears come, and once they start, I’m afraid they might not ever stop.

  “She’s hurting. I want to make everything better, but I can’t. She blames me. And that’s okay because I blame myself. I want to love her so hard that the pain fades away, but I can’t. I’m terrified I’ve truly lost her.” I clamp my lips together to keep any more from spewing out.

  “Daxton.” Ma’s no-nonsense voice fills the small, humid room. “I don’t want to hear that bullshit again. You can’t see the future, son. No one, not me or your father, not Grace or Chevy, saw any of what happened coming. Do you blame us as well?” I give her a blank look, but she knows I don’t.

  “Exactly. Stop taking responsibility for things that aren’t yours to be responsible for. Linden is coping the only way she can right now. She won’t always feel this way. I doubt she even does now. That girl loves you. You’ll both come out on the other side of this stronger, but you have to lean on each other.” I want to believe her, but I’m so caught up in this blame game that I can’t see anything clearly. I simply nod, hoping it’s enough to pacify her. Ma sighs but leaves me to wallow on my own. I eventually pull myself together, wrapping the towel around my waist and walking to my room. The sight of my girl snuggled up in my bed is heady. I want to crawl in there with her, hold her close and keep all the nightmares at bay. I scrub a hand over my face, grabbing some sweats and a shirt. Once I’m dressed, I stand by the edge of the bed, just staring at her. Fuck, she’s beautiful. My wolf is raging, demanding we comfort her. He doesn’t understand the more complicated emotions. He only knows that his mate needs him, and for some reason I’m holding us back.

  I place a gentle kiss on Linny’s forehead, her skin so soft beneath my lips. She’s swimming in my clothes, but my chest fills with pride. She might not have had any other option for something to put on, but I’m choosing to believe she wanted to wear them. I leave her to sleep, knowing that I won’t be able to control myself if I remain in the room much longer. She needs space, and I need to try my damndest to give it to her. Every step I take away from her fills like a knife stabbing at my heart, but I push through. Pop is sitting in the living room, a cup of coffee in his hand. He doesn’t look like he’s slept at all since he first woke up after being shot. The stubborn ass shouldn’t even be out of bed, but I won’t be the one to tell him that.

  “How’s my girl?” He keeps staring straight ahead at the black screen of the tv as I take a seat across the room. I don’t bother correcting him on whose girl she is, cause truth be told, I don’t know if she is mine anymore.

  “I honestly don’t know,” I answer, my voice deceptively calm compared to the storm raging inside of me. “She’s hurt. Not so much physically, as far as I can tell, but her mental state is a wreck. She killed Christian, Pop. The fucker didn’t deserve any less, but Linny is too good to deal with that kind of trauma. I don’t even know everything she went through these past five days. I’m too scared to ask. I’m not sure she’d talk to me if I did.” I brace my elbows on my knees, my head hanging as I try and push back those dark thoughts.

  “Itty Bitty is strong. You don’t live the life her and her mother have and not build up some walls to protect yourself. That’s all this is, boy. She needs to shut down for a bit. Rebuild her defenses. You two will fall back together.” I grab on to Pop’s words, holding them close and praying that he’s right. The front door opens and Lex walks in, breaking up the moment.

  “What’s the verdict?” Pop stands, as do I. He’s more than ready to take back control of the pack and I couldn’t be more relieved. With everything so up in the air, the last thing I need to be doing is making decisions for anyone else.

  “No casualties on our end, but I can’t say the same for them.” Lex’s smile is all predator. “Seven dead. Bray and the others just got back. We weren’t able to make it to the warehouse before their Alpha got word we were there. Our numbers couldn’t hold up against their entire pack so we had no choice but to turn back.” I swallow the bile steadily rising, sick as fuck at the thought of leaving all those other women and prisoners behind. I may not know what’s inside of that place, but I have no disillusion that it isn’t horrifying. Pack Ames is gonna be on a warpath, and God only knows where they’ll aim their wrath, but the people they have locked in that building will probably be the easiest targets.

  “Oh, I’m sure Jackso
n Ames will be itchin’ to retaliate. I’ll be damned if he gets the opportunity, though. We’ve sat back for too long while they’ve progressed from bad to worse. I won’t do it anymore. We should’ve intervened ages ago, but ain’t no point in tryin’ to change the past. All that matters is what we choose to do now. Lex, spread the word that we’ll be having a mandatory pack meeting in one hour. We ain’t got time to waste.” A small amount of tension leaves me, knowing that Pop is gonna take action. I don’t think I could have listened if he’d told us to stand down, Alpha or not. What Pack Ames has done, and will continue to do if not stopped, is incomprehensible. Their time is up.

  The floor behind me creaks. Turning, I find an exhausted Caulder. Despite sleeping the days away, it hasn’t actually done him any good. I’m sure he’s tossed and turned, his mind constantly turned on. For the first time since Linny’s birthday, I’m actually looking forward to the conversation I’m about to have with him. I lean down, a smile tilting my lips. Caulder’s eyes brighten, shimmering with hope. Thank fuck I won’t be destroying it this time. I nod, saying everything and nothing at all.

  “She’s in my room.” His little feet pound down the hall, hauling ass. One minute he’s right in front of me, and the next he’s gone. We chuckle, but I follow him, needing to see those two back together with my own eyes. The door’s wide open, Caulder’s small body molded against Linny’s. His head is tucked beneath her chin, that little pup in him needing to scent her, to verify she’s truly okay. I smile, a piece of my heart coming back together at the sight of them. My girl is still sound asleep, too exhausted to even move.

  “She’s alright?” Caulder’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. He sounds so cautiously optimistic.

  “Yeah, little man. She’s gonna be okay.” The truth of those words settles deep inside of me, knowing somehow that they’re right. She’ll get through this. I don’t know what her and I will look like once she finally does, but right now, I just need her to be okay. No matter the cost.